http://www.thealternativedaily.com/

[…]

http://www.thealternativedaily.com/

[…]

https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/

Despite the dermatology party line, “the cause of acne remains unknown,” or the explanation that acne is a vague condition of “hormonal imbalances,” we actually know a lot about what causes acne—and what can help clear up your skin.

Far from a teenage nuisance, acne affects nearly 50 million Americans of all ages. To deal with it, the conventional route offers antibiotics, high dose vitamin A (known as Retin A) or of course, the Pill. And your drug store or department store makeup counter focuses mostly on topical treatments.

The trouble with all of these is that not one of them addresses the underlying cause, leaving many women still breaking out—or breaking out again as soon as they stop the medications—and leaving others wary of side effects from prescriptions or dried out and irritated from topical treatments.

So what is the underlying cause? In most cases, it’s the perfect storm of dietary issues colliding with hormone trouble.

This is awesome news, because it means there’s a lot you can do! Before we get to that, however, let’s address the long-standing position that diet has nothing to do with it.

The ”diet is irrelevant” advice is derived from two studies in particular. The main dietary-acne study is from 1969, in which chocolate’s effect on acne was studied with a control group receiving a placebo “chocolate bar” that still contained the same amount of sugar. You’ll soon learn that sugar, carbs, and the hormone insulin are big players in breakouts, so not controlling for sugar, merely chocolate, doesn’t tell us much.

The other frequently cited study from 2003 did not account for the subjects’ baseline or past diet, so there was no way to know how the studied diet differed from their old one. There was no control group, and they didn’t have a solid, objective measure of improvement, such as counting blemishes before and after. The takeaway that “diet doesn’t matter” from this study was highly subjective. Without an objective measure of improvement, it was hardly scientific! What’s more, there’s a whole lot of other science (not to mention much clinical experience by doctors) telling us just the opposite.

What is acne?

First, let’s review a little Skin Anatomy 101. Each pore is part of a pilosebaceous unit in your skin. The pore is the opening of a hair follicle (the pilo part) and within it there is a little gland that produces oil, or sebum (the sebaceous part).

There are two types of comedones (a.k.a. pimples): open and closed. Open comedones are what we call blackheads, they are pores plugged with dead skin cells from within the follicle and excess sebum that becomes grey or black in color when oxidized with outside air. Closed comedones are known as “whiteheads” and are closed to the outside air. That white stuff is indeed pus, the aftermath of inflammation at war with bacteria. These are often more swollen and red.

What causes acne?

We’ll start by looking at the immediate situation in your pores. This is the four-step process to developing a pimple:

1. The pore or follicle opening gets blocked (usually with flattened, dead skin cells that don’t shed properly typically due to hormonal imbalances and dietary compounds like lectins).

2. There is excessive sebum (a.k.a. oil) production due to excess testosterone, typically from insulin issues or poor hormone metabolism (like gallbladder sluggishness, slow digestion, or improper hormone metabolism in the liver).

3. Bacteria grow and infect the pore. With the pore now blocked and sealed with dead skin and oil, this creates a happy little home for bacteria called Propionibacterium acnes, which normally live on the skin’s surface without issue. Once outside air is kept out, it creates an anaerobic (without oxygen) environment in the pore for bacteria thrive.

4. Finally, inflammation occurs in the blocked pore and surrounding skin tissue. Locally, the hormones of the immune system (called cytokines) start an inflammatory reaction under your skin’s surface. Now you’ve got the red, swollen, possibly warm to the touch, and perhaps even painful pimples, pustules, and cysts.

Note: applying pressure and squeezing these type of blemishes will cause this inflammatory mess to leak into the surrounding tissue, spreading the infection and inflammation. So, hands off, baby!

How Diet Affects These 4 Steps

Insulin & Her Friends Increase Your Inflammation

Insulin is a hormone secreted to shuttle glucose into a cell. It’s released when you experience stress or when you eat—more so when you eat carbohydrates (whole grains, legumes, cereals, breads, pastries, candy, sweets, sugar in all its forms, chips, tortillas, potato, sweet potato, fruit, etc.). It is released when you eat protein also, but as part of a healthier hormone mix for most (although some women do get an exaggerated insulin response from protein as well). Through a series of events, insulin is triggered when you eat fat as well – particularly when it’s combined with carbohydrates.

Too much insulin will increase inflammation as well as testosterone (created from your progesterone in the ovaries), leading to more oil production, which in turn leads to more breakouts. Insulin also lowers something called sex hormone binding globulin, which normally binds up and inactivates much of our testosterone. As a result, you wind up with more active, free testosterone around mucking things up in your pores.

This problem is worse in women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), as they tend to also have metabolic issues that create an even more potent form of testosterone: DHT (di-hydro testosterone). Acne is a common issue for women with PCOS.

Insulin isn’t alone. Other insulin-associated hormones get in the acne mix, like IGF1 (insulin-like growth factor 1), a potent stimulator of cell growth throughout the body. High levels of insulin will cause higher levels of free IGF1 (remember it’s free hormones that are active). This free IGF1 may stimulate overproduction of the keratinocytes, causing them to overgrow and block your pores.

Then there’s ILGFBP3 (insulin-like growth factor binding protein 3), a key regulator in programmed cell death, or apoptosis (the normal ending of a cell’s life cycle, when it’s time to be replaced). High levels of insulin will lower circulating IGFBP3, delaying apoptosis of keratinocytes that line the follicle, which leads to more flaky cells to clog up your pores.

What’s more, these IGFs can further interact with one another—especially when there’s a high concentration of transglutaminase around—creating more inflammation. Transglutaminase is an enzyme in your intestines that digests wheat. The more wheat we’re eating, the more transglutaminase will be produced throughout your body, including in your skin.

With too many starchy and sugary carbs causing this whole insulin mess, you can see why gluten based carbs (bread, pasta, pastries, cookies, muffins, bagels, etc.) are double trouble for your skin, thanks to transglutaminase. What’s more, gluten contains something called amylopectin, which causes a really big insulin release. This makes wheat what I call a “supercarb. “ (More on wheat and gluten here.)

NOTE: there is a lot of variability in each individual’s response to wheat. If you tolerate wheat fine, have glowing clear skin, then this isn’t a biggie for you. Feel free to eat as you wish, as I’m not here to say gluten is the devil. But if you’re struggling with breakouts, it’s worth a try to eliminate it and see if your skin improves.

Personally, wheat gives me the worst, deep, red, painful breakouts whereas dairy gives me more superficial but greater in number breakouts. Basically mac and cheese is my skin’s worst nightmare!

Dietary Fat, Grain, and Dairy

One inflammatory cytokine involved in acne is IL1 (interleukin 1). Acne sufferers have elevated levels of the alpha form of IL1 and some studies show this inflammatory hormone causes increased skin scale formation (more stuff to block your pores). When bacteria in our pores cause an immune reaction, even more IL1 is secreted (by little white blood cells called monocytes) which can disrupt the normal sloughing off of skin and result in more breakouts.

IL1 can be elevated from too many omega 6 fatty acids in our diet. These fats come primarily from grains, seeds, nuts, and vegetables oils (sunflower, grapeseed, etc.) so it’s important to balance your intake of the more anti-inflammatory omega 3s from things like fish or taking fish oil supplements, as well as consider decreasing your Omega 6 intake when you have acne.

Lectins are common in plant foods (grains and legumes especially). When it comes to acne, they interfere with the dissolving and sloughing off of sticky corneocytes. This process requires enzymes called glycosidases (which dissolve the carbohydrate part of the cell) and proteases (which dissolve the protein part). It’s crucial that the glycosidases act before the proteases for the corneoycyte to degrade properly and not block the pore. Lectins mess up the order of this process. To make matters worse, lectins also stimulate IL1 alpha, so you get more inflammation and more pore blockage.

There’s one more way lectins make you breakout: wheat germ agglutinin is a particular lectin that impairs zinc metabolism. Zinc influences skin health in several ways. With this wheat issue we’re talking at the level of your cell’s nucleus. Long story short, wheat germ agglutinin blocks important aspects of zinc’s metabolism, triggering a whole lot of inflammation.

This leads to the next acne culprit in your diet: dairy. Milk, cheese, yogurt, and other dairy products are very highly concentrated sources of calcium. Calcium impairs zinc metabolism. Perhaps worse, dairy can have a very exaggerated insulin response (despite being considered low-glycemic, the insulin release it triggers is very similar to white bread). Dairy is also ripe with hormones, making it a triple threat to an acne-free face.

Paleo To The Rescue!

The popularity of Paleo as a weight loss and autoimmune panacea is at its peak – and for the most part, its reputation is rightly deserved. It is also a great template for clearing up acne.

A Paleo Diet isn’t magic, but it does remove all of the problem foods I just mentioned, which makes it a great diet for clear skin. Give something like Whole30 a try to clear up your acne, or at least consider drastically reducing some of the skin’s biggest offenders: sugar, wheat, and dairy for 30 to 60 days.

This will be enough for some women to achieve a clear complexion. For others, one or more additional issues may need to be addressed beyond diet, for example: further support of underlying insulin resistance, low estrogen or progesterone, poor testosterone metabolism, sluggish digestion or liver detoxification of hormones, poor nutrient status (i.e. low zinc is incredibly common) or issues like hyperpermeability of your intestinal lining, low digestive enzymes, or disruption of your gut flora (i.e. need for probiotics).

Acne on other areas of the body

What if you only have acne on your back, chest, arms? The underlying mechanism is the same, so diet and hormones are still the answers. However, if you only breakout along a bra line or where clothing has been rubbing your skin, that is more of a local vs. systemic cause blocking your pores.

One tip for avoiding breakouts that seem to be worsened with an active lifestyle (be that your sports bra rubbing against your skin, or just sweat) is to spray your body before and after with some sort of anti-bacterial spray like Earth Science Clarifying Herbal Astringent. And of course, wash your workout gear regularly, change out of sweaty clothes (even if it’s just for clean workout clothes), and shower as quickly as you can after getting sweaty.

Stress and sleep

Don’t underestimate the power of beauty sleep! Lack of sleep is stressful, and stress is inflammatory. The old adage is true, and you need your beauty rest. All other stress has a role as well, so when you feel your skin looks haggard, inflamed or you breakout during high stress, it’s not in your head.

Rest up, manage stress, take a pass at the Paleo diet, and if you need help, by all means reach out and let’s see what the bigger issues may be.

https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/

TRIGGER WARNING: this article involves the author discussing her sexual assault.

Women come in all shapes and sizes. We are tall and short, stout and slender, slight and muscular. We all have value, and we all have strength. What we might not always consider is that like us, strength comes in various forms, too. In this particular case, I’m not talking about the physical strength many of us are cultivating, but rather our inner strength, our strength of character—a strength that has the potential to change the world.

Our inner strength often comes from the most improbable places. Out of gaping wounds hope can emerge. Our greatest vulnerabilities can provide the biggest opportunities for growth and our chance to make a change.

When I was 14 I was raped by a boy I had a crush on.

I had just barely stepped out of the awkward tween years into nubile womanhood and was celebrating and relishing in my new breasts, my smooth skin, and my full hips.

I dreamt about kissing boys, holding hands at the movies, and falling in love. I was just barely getting to know myself as a woman.

The kiss I had been fantasizing about quickly escalated into a shameful out-of-body experience. It took me three months to report the attack. I was shuttled to counseling sessions, legal appointments, and medical exams. Speculation ran rampant at school.

I lost the case.

When I lost the case I was instantly labeled a liar and a slut. At this formative time in my life, this was what I learned about being a woman:

• Our bodies belong to the public for consumption, judgment, and evaluation.
• We are punished for our sexuality…but being sexual makes you worthy.
• Nobody wants a woman who speaks out.

When I was pregnant with my first child, Dedrick, I remember feeling a sense of relief when I found out that I was having a boy. I would be free of the terrifying possibility that my daughter could be victimized. Then I realized I’d completely overlooked the other side of that equation. It is my responsibility to raise a son who respects his own and others’ bodies.  It is my responsibility to teach my boy to honor women in a way that involves boundaries, communication, and honesty.

Recently I found out that I’m going to have another son. I will be the mother of two boys. Once again, I realized that I had been secretly hoping for this news. The relief I felt both times I found out the sex of my child is the worst kind of victim-blaming there is. It is the kind that is so ingrained that we even don’t realize we’re doing it.

If I were to have a daughter, sure, I would do my best to teach her to love and respect her body. I would show her, by example, what a loving, reciprocal relationship looks like between her dad and I. I’d even attend a self-defense class with her. But I would always worry about her safety. However, having a boy doesn’t mean that I’m off the hook and don’t need to worry about these things. Quite the opposite.

Girls and women are not victimized and disrespected because they haven’t learned the right things from their parents. They are victimized because some little boys grow into men who were made to believe that they “have the right.”

The belief that violence and disrespect toward women is a women’s issue is akin to saying that burglary is the fault of homeowners who dare to have nice things.

As a mother of boys, I realize I have a deep responsibility to raise my sons to love hard without losing their autonomy or taking it away from their partner, and to explore their own sexuality without preying on others’ vulnerabilities.

Body Autonomy and A Cultural Perspective

We live in a culture where women’s bodies are highly sexualized and mass-marketed to the public as commodities. My son can’t help but learn that just by watching TV or flipping through a magazine. Boys are supposed to want and push for sex, and girls are supposed to show restraint. It is OK for boys to chase sex, and they are rewarded for their conquests. But girls do not get notches in their belt. Instead, they get shame from their families and society.

Girls, not boys, “give it up.” Girls should be good, and sweet, and all “sugar and spice.” Girls wait for pleasure. Girls put up a fight. But girls are also supposed to wear miniskirts and lick their lips for the camera. Female body language should read “come hither” while the girl keeps her legs firmly crossed and her pleasure off limits. Sex is America’s “Big Dirty Secret.” It’s everywhere, but we aren’t supposed to want it. And while we’re taught to be shamed by sex, we are also taught to be overt with it. Where there’s shame, there is silence.

Our culture has a deep ambivalence around sexuality. Our cultural roots in Puritanism, with its profound suspicion of pleasure have collided with the mainstream media that uses sex to sell at every opportunity. Americans just can’t decide whether to treat sex with excessive license or repressive tactics.

When marketing to schools, the creators of sex ed videos offer two categories to choose from, one that preaches to wait until marriage, one that teaches “just do it when you feel like it and use protection.” It’s a huge deal vs. it’s no big deal. Sex is an expression of love vs. what’s love got to do with it?

And while porn sites continue to make a killing on the Internet, there is continued debate on whether or not to even teach sex ed in our schools!

This breakdown of communication is extremely dangerous for my son…a boy, like many children, who is curious about his world and likes to push limits. When we send mixed messages about sex, our bodies, and our feelings, we create a dangerous atmosphere of silence. My son must feel comfortable with his own sexuality and his body if he is to respect those things in others. If I do not teach him about his own power, how will he know how to wield it safely?

Esther Perel, an expert on sex and sexuality, writes in her book Mating in Captivity:

“Taboo-ridden sexuality and excess-driven sexuality converge in a troubling way… Sex is divorced from emotional and social continuity. What is missing is a sexuality that is integrated, in which pleasure flourishes in a context of relatedness. I’m not talking only about deep love; I’m also talking about basic care and appreciation for another person.”

Consent is not a “women’s issue”

In October of this year, members of Yale’s DKE fraternity took to the streets chanting “No means yes. Yes means anal.”

Growing up, I understood that only the best of the best, the smartest got into Ivy League schools. In fact, only 6% of the applicants at Yale actually get in. These students are to be the future of our country. The bright beacons of our society destined to become doctors, lawyers and presidents. This callous parody of a “Take Back the Night” march tells us a deep, dark assumption about our culture.

The flawed message continues to be that rape is not a man’s problem, and consent is a women’s issue.

In one Washington Post poll, college students answered questions on what is considered consent. The poll showed that over 40% of students are confused about what consent is! When 20% of women in college have been raped (59% of those attacks never even reported and 89% of on-campus rapes unpunished) consent should be clearly taught in our schools and addressed on campus.

However, consent continues to be taught and viewed as a women’s issue. In fact, in one sex education video used in middle and high schools (Sex Smart for Teens—Abstinence version, InJoy Productions 2003), girls are taught how to say no. Teaching boys not to pressure girls for sex or respect girl’s autonomy is never even mentioned. Schools are only obligated to teach HIV/AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases, and the general plumbing of the body.

Teaching kids about developing healthy relationships with themselves and each other is completely at the discretion of the teacher, and as such, is often overlooked. As women, we have the power to change this, because as mothers we can teach our boys to communicate openly, care about others, and be clear about consent.

My Four Commitments to Raising a Conscientious Boy

As a mother of boys, I will have the distinct pleasure of raising them to be the kind of men I would’ve wanted to date as a young woman. Honestly, I hope that my boys grow up to treat women the way that my husband treats me. I’m so grateful for the example he sets: tender and strong, sensitive and firm, protective of my feelings, but supportive of my need to live in my own strength. When he holds me, I am “home.” I want him, but I don’t need him. We both have an equal voice in our family. My sons will learn a lot about being a good man who respects himself and others just by watching my husband live his life.

We’ve committed to raising our sons to understand boundaries, communication, and respect using these four strategies

• Practice The Golden Rule: We must treat others the way that we want to be treated. This seems like such a simple thing, but its ramifications are far-reaching. Implied within the Golden Rule is clear communication and respect for others. The Golden Rule is how my boys will learn empathy, respect, and trust.

• Use resources: Dedrick is very clear about what parts of his body belong to him alone, and he understands that it works the same for others. He knows this because we sat down with him to watch some videos online and read some books on body autonomy to reinforce what we discussed as a family.

• Teach him to communicate: Whether it’s biological or cultural, most boys don’t tend to express their emotions as openly as girls do. As a mother of boys, it is important to teach them how to express themselves as clearly as possible. However, we should not expect our boys to communicate like women. We try to give Dedrick an open space to express himself, but sometimes he just doesn’t know how. Sometimes it is helpful to use an emotion chart like this to talk about feelings. In addition, it is important in our family to make Dedrick feel that he has a safe place to talk about anything without judgment or the fear of getting in trouble. We have him see a counselor so that he always has that opportunity, even if it’s not with us.

• Learn how he communicates: Not everyone learns the same way. Some people need to hear it. Some people need to see it. Some have to do it. It is the same with communication. Just because I like to talk to express my emotions doesn’t mean that my sons will do the same. I’m still trying to learn my son’s best “language.” For Dedrick, it seems to be movement. When he is moving and playing he is better able to express himself. He will tell me more about his mind on a walk to school than he will in a whole week of rubbing his back at bedtime. Perhaps for my future baby it will be art or music. The point is that I’m open, and I don’t expect him to conform to my ways of communication. If I let my boys really be themselves and accept them just as they are, they are more likely to openly love others without judgment.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to my attacker after the trial. Did he grow up and get married and have kids? Was he haunted by what he did, or did he really believe he did nothing wrong? Does he have a wife he can look in the eye as an equal? Does he have daughters for whom he worries, and whom he tries to protect against men like him? I wonder if winning the case emboldened him to attack again. My heart can barely contain the pain of that possibility.

Though I will never forget this attack, I refuse to continue to be a victim of it. It has pushed me to commit to be part of the solution. I couldn’t save myself (and perhaps the other women harmed by my attacker), but I can do everything in my power to raise sons who will love and respect women.

It is my responsibility to raise boys who feel whole within their own sexuality, but do not steal it from others. I will raise boys who understand consent and respect themselves enough to respect women. I will raise conscientious boys.

As women, we can have great impact within our families and in our communities, and in the lives and futures of many girls and women. As partners, wives, and mothers our potential to effect change is big. We’re not here to play small, to be victims, to be less. We are strong. We are equals. We can be the change where and when change is sorely needed. For me, change starts with my own boys.

Your greatest obstacle might just be your biggest contribution to the world around you. Let adversity be your teacher. Grow and become stronger from it, then share that strength with the world.

https://www.girlsgonestrong.com/

TRIGGER WARNING: this article involves the author discussing her sexual assault.

Women come in all shapes and sizes. We are tall and short, stout and slender, slight and muscular. We all have value, and we all have strength. What we might not always consider is that like us, strength comes in various forms, too. In this particular case, I’m not talking about the physical strength many of us are cultivating, but rather our inner strength, our strength of character—a strength that has the potential to change the world.

Our inner strength often comes from the most improbable places. Out of gaping wounds hope can emerge. Our greatest vulnerabilities can provide the biggest opportunities for growth and our chance to make a change.

When I was 14 I was raped by a boy I had a crush on.

I had just barely stepped out of the awkward tween years into nubile womanhood and was celebrating and relishing in my new breasts, my smooth skin, and my full hips.

I dreamt about kissing boys, holding hands at the movies, and falling in love. I was just barely getting to know myself as a woman.

The kiss I had been fantasizing about quickly escalated into a shameful out-of-body experience. It took me three months to report the attack. I was shuttled to counseling sessions, legal appointments, and medical exams. Speculation ran rampant at school.

I lost the case.

When I lost the case I was instantly labeled a liar and a slut. At this formative time in my life, this was what I learned about being a woman:

• Our bodies belong to the public for consumption, judgment, and evaluation.
• We are punished for our sexuality…but being sexual makes you worthy.
• Nobody wants a woman who speaks out.

When I was pregnant with my first child, Dedrick, I remember feeling a sense of relief when I found out that I was having a boy. I would be free of the terrifying possibility that my daughter could be victimized. Then I realized I’d completely overlooked the other side of that equation. It is my responsibility to raise a son who respects his own and others’ bodies.  It is my responsibility to teach my boy to honor women in a way that involves boundaries, communication, and honesty.

Recently I found out that I’m going to have another son. I will be the mother of two boys. Once again, I realized that I had been secretly hoping for this news. The relief I felt both times I found out the sex of my child is the worst kind of victim-blaming there is. It is the kind that is so ingrained that we even don’t realize we’re doing it.

If I were to have a daughter, sure, I would do my best to teach her to love and respect her body. I would show her, by example, what a loving, reciprocal relationship looks like between her dad and I. I’d even attend a self-defense class with her. But I would always worry about her safety. However, having a boy doesn’t mean that I’m off the hook and don’t need to worry about these things. Quite the opposite.

Girls and women are not victimized and disrespected because they haven’t learned the right things from their parents. They are victimized because some little boys grow into men who were made to believe that they “have the right.”

The belief that violence and disrespect toward women is a women’s issue is akin to saying that burglary is the fault of homeowners who dare to have nice things.

As a mother of boys, I realize I have a deep responsibility to raise my sons to love hard without losing their autonomy or taking it away from their partner, and to explore their own sexuality without preying on others’ vulnerabilities.

Body Autonomy and A Cultural Perspective

We live in a culture where women’s bodies are highly sexualized and mass-marketed to the public as commodities. My son can’t help but learn that just by watching TV or flipping through a magazine. Boys are supposed to want and push for sex, and girls are supposed to show restraint. It is OK for boys to chase sex, and they are rewarded for their conquests. But girls do not get notches in their belt. Instead, they get shame from their families and society.

Girls, not boys, “give it up.” Girls should be good, and sweet, and all “sugar and spice.” Girls wait for pleasure. Girls put up a fight. But girls are also supposed to wear miniskirts and lick their lips for the camera. Female body language should read “come hither” while the girl keeps her legs firmly crossed and her pleasure off limits. Sex is America’s “Big Dirty Secret.” It’s everywhere, but we aren’t supposed to want it. And while we’re taught to be shamed by sex, we are also taught to be overt with it. Where there’s shame, there is silence.

Our culture has a deep ambivalence around sexuality. Our cultural roots in Puritanism, with its profound suspicion of pleasure have collided with the mainstream media that uses sex to sell at every opportunity. Americans just can’t decide whether to treat sex with excessive license or repressive tactics.

When marketing to schools, the creators of sex ed videos offer two categories to choose from, one that preaches to wait until marriage, one that teaches “just do it when you feel like it and use protection.” It’s a huge deal vs. it’s no big deal. Sex is an expression of love vs. what’s love got to do with it?

And while porn sites continue to make a killing on the Internet, there is continued debate on whether or not to even teach sex ed in our schools!

This breakdown of communication is extremely dangerous for my son…a boy, like many children, who is curious about his world and likes to push limits. When we send mixed messages about sex, our bodies, and our feelings, we create a dangerous atmosphere of silence. My son must feel comfortable with his own sexuality and his body if he is to respect those things in others. If I do not teach him about his own power, how will he know how to wield it safely?

Esther Perel, an expert on sex and sexuality, writes in her book Mating in Captivity:

“Taboo-ridden sexuality and excess-driven sexuality converge in a troubling way… Sex is divorced from emotional and social continuity. What is missing is a sexuality that is integrated, in which pleasure flourishes in a context of relatedness. I’m not talking only about deep love; I’m also talking about basic care and appreciation for another person.”

Consent is not a “women’s issue”

In October of this year, members of Yale’s DKE fraternity took to the streets chanting “No means yes. Yes means anal.”

Growing up, I understood that only the best of the best, the smartest got into Ivy League schools. In fact, only 6% of the applicants at Yale actually get in. These students are to be the future of our country. The bright beacons of our society destined to become doctors, lawyers and presidents. This callous parody of a “Take Back the Night” march tells us a deep, dark assumption about our culture.

The flawed message continues to be that rape is not a man’s problem, and consent is a women’s issue.

In one Washington Post poll, college students answered questions on what is considered consent. The poll showed that over 40% of students are confused about what consent is! When 20% of women in college have been raped (59% of those attacks never even reported and 89% of on-campus rapes unpunished) consent should be clearly taught in our schools and addressed on campus.

However, consent continues to be taught and viewed as a women’s issue. In fact, in one sex education video used in middle and high schools (Sex Smart for Teens—Abstinence version, InJoy Productions 2003), girls are taught how to say no. Teaching boys not to pressure girls for sex or respect girl’s autonomy is never even mentioned. Schools are only obligated to teach HIV/AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases, and the general plumbing of the body.

Teaching kids about developing healthy relationships with themselves and each other is completely at the discretion of the teacher, and as such, is often overlooked. As women, we have the power to change this, because as mothers we can teach our boys to communicate openly, care about others, and be clear about consent.

My Four Commitments to Raising a Conscious Boy

As a mother of boys, I will have the distinct pleasure of raising them to be the kind of men I would’ve wanted to date as a young woman. Honestly, I hope that my boys grow up to treat women the way that my husband treats me. I’m so grateful for the example he sets: tender and strong, sensitive and firm, protective of my feelings, but supportive of my need to live in my own strength. When he holds me, I am “home.” I want him, but I don’t need him. We both have an equal voice in our family. My sons will learn a lot about being a good man who respects himself and others just by watching my husband live his life.

We’ve committed to raising our sons to understand boundaries, communication, and respect using these four strategies

• Practice The Golden Rule: We must treat others the way that we want to be treated. This seems like such a simple thing, but its ramifications are far-reaching. Implied within the Golden Rule is clear communication and respect for others. The Golden Rule is how my boys will learn empathy, respect, and trust.

• Use resources: Dedrick is very clear about what parts of his body belong to him alone, and he understands that it works the same for others. He knows this because we sat down with him to watch some videos online and read some books on body autonomy to reinforce what we discussed as a family.

• Teach him to communicate: Whether it’s biological or cultural, most boys don’t tend to express their emotions as openly as girls do. As a mother of boys, it is important to teach them how to express themselves as clearly as possible. However, we should not expect our boys to communicate like women. We try to give Dedrick an open space to express himself, but sometimes he just doesn’t know how. Sometimes it is helpful to use an emotion chart like this to talk about feelings. In addition, it is important in our family to make Dedrick feel that he has a safe place to talk about anything without judgment or the fear of getting in trouble. We have him see a counselor so that he always has that opportunity, even if it’s not with us.

• Learn how he communicates: Not everyone learns the same way. Some people need to hear it. Some people need to see it. Some have to do it. It is the same with communication. Just because I like to talk to express my emotions doesn’t mean that my sons will do the same. I’m still trying to learn my son’s best “language.” For Dedrick, it seems to be movement. When he is moving and playing he is better able to express himself. He will tell me more about his mind on a walk to school than he will in a whole week of rubbing his back at bedtime. Perhaps for my future baby it will be art or music. The point is that I’m open, and I don’t expect him to conform to my ways of communication. If I let my boys really be themselves and accept them just as they are, they are more likely to openly love others without judgment.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to my attacker after the trial. Did he grow up and get married and have kids? Was he haunted by what he did, or did he really believe he did nothing wrong? Does he have a wife he can look in the eye as an equal? Does he have daughters for whom he worries, and whom he tries to protect against men like him? I wonder if winning the case emboldened him to attack again. My heart can barely contain the pain of that possibility.

Though I will never forget this attack, I refuse to continue to be a victim of it. It has pushed me to commit to be part of the solution. I couldn’t save myself (and perhaps the other women harmed by my attacker), but I can do everything in my power to raise sons who will love and respect women.

It is my responsibility to raise boys who feel whole within their own sexuality, but do not steal it from others. I will raise boys who understand consent and respect themselves enough to respect women. I will raise conscious boys.

As women, we can have great impact within our families and in our communities, and in the lives and futures of many girls and women. As partners, wives, and mothers our potential to effect change is big. We’re not here to play small, to be victims, to be less. We are strong. We are equals. We can be the change where and when change is sorely needed. For me, change starts with my own boys.

Your greatest obstacle might just be your biggest contribution to the world around you. Let adversity be your teacher. Grow and become stronger from it, then share that strength with the world.

http://www.thealternativedaily.com/

[…]

http://www.thealternativedaily.com/

[…]

http://www.thekitchn.com/feedburnermain

Pin it

From Apartment Therapy → 4 Easy Things You Can Do to Make Any Size Kitchen Better

READ MORE »

http://www.thekitchn.com/feedburnermain

A Better Way to Heat Up Tortillas

Pin it

I invested in a wok a few years ago, mainly to stir-fry and do high-heat cooking. I didn’t make the decision lightly, though, since a wok takes up a fair amount of room and needs care and maintenance to work at its best. I was worried it would only be able to do one thing well, but it’s actually a really versatile piece of cookware!

READ MORE »

http://www.thekitchn.com/feedburnermain

Pin it

Watching little kids try to blow out candles is generally adorable, but what if — despite some serious effort and determination — they just can’t do it on their own? This dad has just the ingenious trick you need to help move things along.

READ MORE »